Panic

Woke up and within 5 minutes I havd a gut crunching anxiety about ... what? Nothing. Maybe a panic about the uncertainty now I'm on my own. Hymns play on the radio. A beautiful hymn. I wait to hear what it is. Then comes the familiar droning voice of a clergyman. Talking about a mission of evangelism and sightseeing to Zambia - the strangest combination. Then the congregation intones the Lord's Prayer, in that creepy possessed way that ritual throngs have.

I can bear it no longer, and I switch it over to another channel. Except that has someone bleating about how he lived in Stockholm for years, just so long as he was near an airport he was happy. That's alright then, killing the planet ecclesiastically and enthusiastically.

Religious programming in people goes hard and deep - the airport man talked of slaves being shored up by their faith in god as their captors transferred them across the ocean in fear, suffering and death - i wish I could have faith in a hallucination to carry me through.

But it just doesn't wash with me. More coathangers to hang your cloths of mental distress and emotional insecurity.

so I'll keep the panic thanks very much.

Down

Being down has been with me all my life. I occasionally let it go into overdrive, but now it's reached staggering proportions. I can't afford anything, my flat, my computer my van, any clothes.

Everything is beyond my means.

Everything and everyone appears shallow, or at least as meaningless as my own paltry existence.