Positivity

Finally after a long time, and still in the depths of the worst winter weather for ages, I am starting to feel myself again, like I belong to myself, like I deserve to be me. Did a seminar last week that awakened something that has been dormant for so long. I realised that I subsume myself in a relationship, I lose myself in it - and then it doesn't work, neither for me nor the other. So best not to bother for awhile, build up the self muscles and keep everything light and be a little wary. Faith has always been a bit of a dirty word for me, the domain of fantasists who engage in religious hallucinations, churning their beliefs through a mangler until they end up with the one true god. Doubt has always been my constant companion - although now I think it may be time to stop ossifying my own belief structure and open myself up. I always paid lip service to this: that it is the only way to avoid bitterness as age and memory serves to swamp - need to clear up and clear out if not to become swaddled in memories that no longer serve as anything, because they are not real.